I don’t care what anyone says about it. It makes me struggle with things I should pay attention to. I see things so differently then everyone else can or ever will. I see the things that no one should ever see. I see the corruption in this world and the innocence people take away from their children. I see these things at a very young age. I shouldn’t be paying attention to any of these things, but it’s really hard not to. It’s a big reason why I’m not happy and why I’m not successful.
So my trip to the doctor was great. He prescribed me 10mg of strattera, which is great because its not as big of a dosage as my last prescription (which made me feel emotionless) and straterra is non-habit forming, which was a concern for me. But the best part of the visit was one simple question that brought light on to something from a legitimate source. He asked, “Do you ever get angry with your friends or at work when you shouldn’t be”? And my immediate reaction in my head was, “….oh shit” My verbal response was, “ummmm…yeah, I guess” I should have thought about it considering that when I did my research on Adult ADHD, “problems with relationships” was one of the topics. Honestly it was such a relief to hear that my tendency to overreact and not handle certain situations was due to my ADHD. Ok not like, “Yay I have ADHD and it fucks with how I feel about things that are trivial in the long run”! But more in the sense that I finally understand why I’m like this and my medication will help me. I wasn’t able to obtain it today but I will be able to pick it up after work tomorrow. All I’m hoping for is that it doesn’t make me emotionless like last time I was on medication. God knows that isn’t how I am at all.
I’ve spent the last few hours researching and taking ADD/ADHD Tests and I’m really really positive I have adult ADHD. Every single thing that’s listed as symptoms I have to the dot. It’s shocking, so much so my hands are trembling. I’m kind of relieved though. I’d list everything and explain but I’m on mobile so i can’t copy paste. xD Im going to discuss this with my mom and tell her I really want to go to the doctor and get diagnosed, I want to discuss this with my school counciller as well and my friends about it. I’m with my friend Victoria and she agrees that I have it as i read out the symptoms, cause she has ADHD as well. God, I am so relieved, really. I’ve been failing school because of all the things listed and to think there’s a cure for all of this…I’m tearing up. I’m so excited and happy with this discovery. I never even considered it Untill now and I used to believe there would be something critically wrong with me and I don’t know… I desperately looked it up because of how bad I’m doing in school despite how hard I’ve been trying and I just can’t believe it. I’m rambling I’m so fucking HAPPY! THERE’S FUCKING HOPE! I Have HOPE again! I couldn’t find the word for how I’ve felt in the last months and the word is fucking hopeless. I was hopeless and anxious worryful and stressed and depressed because i was so hopeless and now I’m so fucking JUBILANT and HOPEFUL. I have HOPE again. That is the best feeling in the world. Ive never cried out of relief but I’m seriously bawling right now. I’m just so hysterically hopeful and optimistic for the first time In so long that I cant even believe I was depressed yesterday… Tonight was a good fucking night.
A phrase I hear all too much in my head.
Focus. Do Your Work.
Try to listen, my mind wanders instead.
Pay Attention. Be Here Now.
I just want to live without being lead.
I’m having thoughts of my own globe.
Astronaut. Rolling Stone.
Trippin through my frontal lobe.
Treated like I’ve been abducted & probed.
I found something worth my attention.
You Got Something Done!
Materializing an idea of my own invention.
You’re On The Road To Success.
I still can’t sit still, time to explore another dimension.
Ughhh I’m so confused about what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I am going to be 30 by the time I finish or even if i do finish school at the rate i’m going. It’s getting to the point when people my age are expected to be finishing school and I haven’t even finished my AA. I really wish I wasn’t such a dumb ass so that I could do 4-5 classes a semester like most students. Instead I have to take 2 a semester because I have severe learning disabilities(ADD and Dyslexia) and struggle in school, especially in math and science and not to mention my multitude of mental illnesses.
Psych test was pretty chill.
Tacky, tacky office, but I got some sweet ideas as to what’s screwin’ me up inside.
He says my OCD is severe, ordered more bloodwork, and that- here’s the kicker, folks! -ADHD!
This guy, outta nowhere, comes plain out with ADHD. Gives me homework, too! Gotta get my teachers ideas about it.
He said he saw it in my speech and habital patterns.
My mother was cracking up in the waiting room when we left.
Some days I can’t stand the noise around my office. The printer is just outside my door. People print far too much and the printer recalibrates far too often. The mechanical whirr as it begins its task drills into my head like a Dremmel tool. Then there’s the coughing colleague. While I realize allergies in this part of the country are pretty much an all-year deal, and I too suffer, the dog-bark coughing (also right outside my office door) is like an ice pick being hammered into my ear with every echoing, wheezing, barking, startling episode. Sometimes I think I am ADD/mildly autistic and suffer desperately from sensory overstimulation, and yet I can close my door, crank up music and drown in an eveloping, welcoming river of audio delights. I just wish it wasn’t considered so terribly anti-social to shut out the world while in the office environment. I want a cone of silence, please…
Did I forget to mention the repeated, pattern-like mouse-clicking? Like the kind you would hear when selecting multiple items rather than using the Shift-arrow key command, or the select all option? And what about the candy and cracker wrappers… It’s driving me freaking batty today! My hot pink earplugs are pretty, but just not the right application. Did I ask about that come of silence??
People in my class are making jokes about disorders like: ‘Ohmygooood, You don’t know that? Are you dyslectic or something?’ ‘Do you have had your ADHD pills you are getting so weird’
Am I the only one who don’t get the funny part of this jokes?
How do you people without ADHD stand it? It’s so quiet in here… I never imagined what it must be like in those funny little heads of yours. It’s quiet. So quiet. While I like the fact that I can concentrate on my writings this morning, I don’t like the loneliness of it. I’m probably being a bit repetitive after last night but it just amazes me…and freaks me out. I feel like someone has stuffed earplugs into my mind. It’s silent and a bit stifling. Almost like being claustrophobic… Yikes. I’m glad this only lasts a few hours. I should be done with this by dinner time and will be able to enjoy my insomnia a bit more tonight. The bad thing about insomnia is when you can’t think of anything to think of. So you lay there, bored, for hours. At least when my mind is buzzing, I can entertain myself. XD
I went HAM. I told that bitch off. I started asking her “so the anxiety and depression I feel everyday is fake?” and “Do you honesty think I can control my hyperactivity?”. Its bitches like her that label people “ADD”, “Depression”, “OCD”, and “Anxiety”… I cannot stand her and her ignorance…
and the worst part? She says she wants to be a doctor when she grows up…
She thought the “Blank white border around a paper” was a margarine, not margin… MARGARINE
Once again forced to re-launch my research on ADD after some horrible work-related incidents these past couple of days. This thing is literally beginning to affect my productivity. Pretty sure that’s what it is now. Problem is, I’m not too sure where to go from here. :/
Whether we realize it or not, what we blurt reveals our true, inner thoughts to the world, or at least to anyone nearby.
Matt - Oh, this is such a struggle for me at work. I swear that I have bite marks permanently embedded in my cheeks from resisting the urge to blurt out “Geez, you people are idiots!” in meetings.
Andrea - story of my life
Sometimes we are so focused on our ADHD symptoms that we don’t realize what is within our personal control. When we change, improve, and modify our attitude, we also change, improve, and modify what we blurt. If we are not thinking it, then we won’t blurt it. Plain and simple! Easy? I didn’t say that.
Matt - True to a point, and it’s not a bad idea. I am much more likely though to blurt out something when I am in a meeting which I don’t want to be in or a situation I want to be in.
and after trying to figure out how to word what I wanted to say here I realized that if I am so keen on thinking and writing right now I could just turn that toward starting my political philosophy final
SO THIS IS ACTUALLY AWESOME
because I have some ad-motherfucking-hd (more like add but I guess the thing now is adhd/primarily inattentive?) and just, you know, following a semi-regular schedule for a moderate amount of time or making my room so it’s not covered in… everything (while the shelves are basically empty) is really really hard. but I am getting there.
and this is part of it
That moment when you realize you have Adult ADD/ADHD.
And that being a failure bumfuck isn’t because you are weak or stupid. You seriously can’t concentrate worth a damn, are distracted by everything in the world and have to be doing a million things at once. I know I’m smart, even though I have seriously doubted myself this past year. It’s very rare when I can focus, but when I do, I’m bloody brilliant.
Here’s hoping that I can get this all figured out and get back on track.
I just can’t believe it took me this long to realize it.
i recently did my research and diagnosed myself with ADD… it’s been a blessing for me to finally understand the reason behind my years and years of disorganization and lack of motivation toward anything in life. now, all i want to do is learn and continue my growth process. i finally see myself as a great person and i finally understand how amazing and different i am and how totally grandiose it is to be different. my abilities and my intellect are completely different to those of the majority, but that’s OKAY! i finally see my ideas and thoughts as my own and don’t judge myself negatively as if i’m of inferior worth than others. if anything, i’m better than most people in this world and that’s who i want to be! i love who i am and i always want to shine above others! i now know what i want to be in life— happy! and nothing else matters. i don’t know what my career is going to be after school’s over, but that’s perfectly okay with me because i am an intelligent and beautiful girl, as well as a people person, so i’ll figure it out!
I can’t be in loud enviorments and asked to do an assignment, I need total silence.
I can’t be surrounded by a lot of people because I start freaking out, and my chest gets tight, so tight I can barely breathe.
I can’t be put under pressure or else I’ll have an anxiety attack.
I can’t ever do my homework because I lose focus right when I write my name on the paper.
I can hardly sleep at night.
When I’m about to get up and present I have mini panic attacks.
I’m always hyper, and it takes a toll on me when I’m trying really hard to behave myself.
I get distracted at literally everything.
But hey, I’m still smiling because I don’t let it define me.
It is happening again.
Too awake to sleep.
Too asleep to stay awake.
And my mind is racing. Again.
I feel lonely, BUT I want to be left alone!
I hate it when I can’t relax.
I am fine. I am used to this feeling and I know it will pass. It’s just ADHD getting the better of me. Again.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I get to go in on Friday and spend the morning of my 22nd birthday adjusting my medication, haha. :)
so, my doctor wants to put me on Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) but with my insurance it’s a lot more expensive than my Ritalin generic because there’s no generic for it. I wanted to switch to Adderall XR, but my insurance doesn’t recognize the generic version of that drug so it’s the same price as the Vyvanse because it has to be name brand, which makes me sad because I’d really like something extended release.
I can get generic Adderall for the same price as my Ritalin though so I’m thinking I might just need to switch to that, take a slightly higher dose, and to up my frequency to 3 times a day. has anyone else switched between methylphenidate stimulants and amphetamine stimulants? the methylphenidate just makes my brain feel too foggy, sometimes it makes me sleepy instead of waking me up, and I’ve been so easily irritated over nothing when it starts wearing off (I’m on a low dose right now, so it’s not due to having too high of a dosage). I have inattentive-type ADD (marked by chronic fatigue) so brain fog is super detrimental to my ability to focus and stay awake. the Ritalin helps, but I don’t think it’s helping enough.
…And how it relates to the other issues I live with.
Imagine, if you will, the white noise that goes with the static on a television. That sort of rushing, patternless susurrus. Great word, susurrus. It’s a five-dollar word for a rustling, whispering sound. Got that sound in your head? Okay, now imagine that it’s playing all the time. Every waking moment, you can hear that sound. That’s what my good days are like.
On my bad days, it’s like I can make out words in the sound. Not like “kill the nonbelievers” or anything like that. Just thoughts. Not always fully formed thoughts, but potential for them. And these words rush by at such a high speed that they’re almost meaningless. Then they start getting louder. And louder. Eventually it turns into a solid, wordless scream that makes my whole body tense up.
Now, this really isn’t a good way to describe it. It’s not terribly accurate, but it’s the best way I can translate it into human speech.
All of that leads to me feeling anxious, which of course makes everything rush by faster. And when I get anxious enough, it sets off my depression. I get the “well, there’s one sure way to make the noise stop” kind of thoughts. That’s the point at which I start feeling sorry for myself and my brain shuts off. I become incapable of doing anything but sleep or watch TV.
I think it was about a week ago that I started taking my Vyvanse later in the day. I have only had one day of being moody or depressed, and I know specifically what triggered that last Friday.
Thing is I can’t work out first thing in the morning now, I get way too weird so I have been adjusting my workout times for low meeting times during the day and getting to my desk every day around 5:45am.
I also have been sleeping better and am more active at night. Gee, maybe I was just burning the candle at the long end the last year?!?!?
I thought about it while I worked. Why do I envy those who go to university, or well, study? The answer is quite simple after all, it’s because I can’t and will never be able to do it. I think those who don’t have the patience or strenght to study and focus can recognize themselves in this. It makes me feel like a failure. Sure, I have never failed a single class. My grades was pretty good when I graduated high school (or whatever you call it) and it has a lot to do with my logical intelligence, like my psychologist (and my mum lol) said. This doesn’t mean I can become a doctor or a scientist if I want to because it’s not as simple as that. My difficulties prevents me from doing that (and I’m not really “Intelligent” tbh) and I guess this is another reason why this is so frustrating. You don’t have to have ADHD to feel like this, you can have something as “simple” as dyslexia or maybe you’re not even interested in studying (even if you wish you were).
What are we supposed to do though? What about changing the world? You don’t have to have a degree in politics to be something (Sorry, Nicky Wire), right? Who’s with me? No one? Well, I guess I’ll do it myself then ;) I have no idea what I’ll do but I’ll come up with something.
I am not my disorders, but they make me who I am.
I wouldn’t undo a single one because the lessons and experience I have gained from struggling the way I have makes me someone I’m very proud to have become.
I would never undo any of my experiences as far as my ED, depression, anxiety, and OCD goes.
However.. if there were a magic pill to completely erase all the frustration, anxiety, and poor choices my ADHD cause me from here on out, I would take it in a heartbeat. It is the mosquito to my existence; that endless buzzing annoyance that only I am affected by and no one else can see. The thing that keeps me from being my absolute best and makes me look like a lazy, unmotivated asshole.
I am capable of doing some seriously awesome things.. I know that. But this is really killing that for me. I can’t live like this. I need to know it’s possible to not.
You’re in the shower, dancing around to Kylie Minogue and suddenly you think, “Oh, I have a digital essay due in Lit after Spring Break! That’s the assignment I was forgetting!”
Seriously - I would have NEVER remembered. The all-powerful Steve forgot to put it on our syllabus, and I sort of knew that something was missing, but I couldn’t place it.
I’m not totally sure if the whole “state-dependent memory” is considered legitimate, but it definitely is for me. I have to have taken Ritalin at the time and then take Ritalin again, but once I’m in that “state”, it all comes back to me. So I would be rocking C&A Psych if I didn’t have the worst anxiety in the world during that class. I should start taking it, but it’s only 10:30 am, and I still have Concerta in me. I had that issue with Gen Psych though also. It was 3 pm, so it was definitely worn off, but the side effects still lingered if I dared to take another Ritalin. What I usually did was take Ritalin and clonazepam at the same time, so they sort of cancelled each other out (with Ritalin coming out on top - barely). I ended up making a comeback after deciding to do that, so who knows.
You also know that Ritalin has kicked in when you write a novel when you intended to write one sentence.
Okay, so for quite some time now, I have been feeling extremely aggravated at myself for my lack of ability to focus. I’m also just horribly uninspired in my art practice/future career. I have been trying to do some writing, take some photos, and apply to some schools, but to no avail. I just can NOT seem to actually get anything done.
I think it may actually be time to get myself on some medication for it. I am diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, but my father, and myself, believe medicating one’s problems away instead of facing them head on is the worst decision one could make. I’m 22 years old now and sometimes I find myself acting like a child, i.e suddenly realizing that I am jumping around naked, on my couch, with a bag of mentholated cough drops in hand.
I am wondering if anyone has the same diagnosis? If you are on medication, does it really make you feel different? Does it work? I would love some first hand experiences. Ask or answers to this are fine! Thanks everyone.
My mum doesn’t think I have ADHD but I thinkit its because shes denying it because she doesn’t want me to be labelled with it as most kids with it a naughty. I want it because the symptoms will explain so much thats happened in my life and i can blame ADHD and know it wasn’t me that made those mistakes by choice. It would make me feel so much better.