I’m supposed to take two pills a day.
guys I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I wonder if I can call my doctor’s office and have her write a new script. because I’m not going to be able to function like a real person for the entire month of May if I can’t get my hands on more meds.
I fucking hate being dependent on amphetamines to be functional. The drugs are fantastic but I wish I didn’t need them at all. ADHD blows and I’d trade anything to just be rid of it.
ughhhh. I can’t even substitute caffeine cause too much of it makes me sick. fjkdhkgljflj!!
Diary: 4/29, 11:45 am
I am starting to connect some pieces.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and I’ve been trying to figure out whether I have this condition, what it means for me and what I need to do, and how it connects to other things in my life, such as my drug/alcohol abuse and my depression.
I just found one connection. I think I am very impulsive. I don’t think things through clearly and evaluate the positive and negative consequences of my actions. Or the short/long term consequences of them. I am blinded by my self will. For instance, when I am facing with the option of drinking, I only think about how much I want to feel drunk, about how I want to fit in, the positive things it will bring me, such as being able to talk to others. I don’t think about all the terrible experiences I have had, all the consequences my drunken actions will have to my physical and mental health, my relationships with others, my reputation, and my legal record.
I am driven by what I want, what my initial impulse is. I don’t even think about what I might want for myself in the future. Or what others might like. Just what I want, right then.
The funny thing is, I am perfectly capable of evaluating those consequences for others, I think. And, when I am outside these situations, I am able to evaluate them for myself.
I need to listen more to Reason.
Today, I was exhausted. I woke up at 2 am with maybe six hours of sleep. I just couldn’t go back to sleep. By the time that I was tired, I had to go to work soon, so I just stayed up. But I felt really tired. I decided that when I got home, I would take a short nap before my class. When I got into bed, I was a bit riled up from the walk home and the brightness, so I had some trouble falling asleep. I wanted to get up! I thought, oh, I will just sleep later. Or not sleep.
That brings me to another connection. I am very impatient.
In the past, when I haven’t gotten enough sleep, naps have made me feel much better. But I don’t take them often because I don’t want to spend the time. I would rather be miserable, I guess. But I realized, ok, I might need to lie here for 20 minutes falling asleep, but it will be worth it. If I step back from the situation and evaluate the choices using reason, so giving so much weight to what I want right then, I can make a choice that will bring me a much better outcome.
I think this is significant. It shows what I need to do to fix some things. And, more importantly, it shows that part of my higher power is inside me. I just need to learn how to use it, learn to distinguish irrational self will driven thinking from reasonable thinking. And learn how to listen to it.
And there’s something very empowering about that. Because I’ve been very hesitant about the whole powerlessness thing in AA. But I think I can accept this sort of higher power.
I am so excited.
Thank you right back! We only have nine followers at the mo, but feel free to submit any little thing you like, and please invite your ADD/ADHD friends!
I am astounded yet again by my ability to make a mess.
I’m also slightly twitchy from the feeling of the slippery goo that has to stay on my head for at least another 40 minutes. Gyah. I have some mild sensory issues, though I’m only just now becoming aware of them, so they obviously don’t impact my life all that much. For example, if I’m eating something crunchy like a potato chip, I have to hold it in my mouth for a few seconds until it gets soggy before I chew it. And I absolutely cannot STAND the feeling of wet hair on my neck.
Oh, the joys of having a quirky brain.
Tactile sensitivity is actually one of the lesser known symptoms of ADHD. Go figure, right?
i wonder who can relate.you know you are deep in thought but just don’t know what you are actually so deep in thought.looking like a retard-zoned out, friends ask what are you so deep in thought about.you can even answer cause you don’t know…but can’t explain to them “all you know is that you are deep in thought”..damn it.
ADHD - Primarily Inattentive Type:
• Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes.
• Has difficulty sustaining attention.
• Does not appear to listen.
• Struggles to follow through on instructions.
• Has difficulty with organization.
• Avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort.
• Is easily distracted.
• Is forgetful in daily activities.
ADHD - Primarily Hyperactive/Impulsive Type:
• Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair.
• Has difficulty remaining seated.
• Runs around or climbs excessively.
• Has difficulty engaging in activities quietly.
• Acts as if driven by a motor.
• Talks excessively.
• Blurts out answers before questions have been completed.
• Has difficulty waiting or taking turns.
• Interrupts or intrudes upon others.
ADHD - Combined Type:
• Meets both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive criteria.
That stereotype in your head of the kid who can’t sit still, can’t stop talking, can’t stop go go going no matter how hard he tries? Only part of the picture.
I want to complain. I really do. But my ADHD is preventing that. I don’t have the attention span to say whats on my heart because even the slight gust of wind is distracting. ADHD is ridiculous man I wonder whose actually reading this and can relate… In other news I hope you guys like my newest picture.
- GypsyJr427: I am... drawing, reading blogs, playing around with the form for a Sculpey sculpture and reading about Buddhism
- GypsyJr427: More or less at the same time. Heh.
- GypsyJr427: Oh, also listening to online radio.
- afullmargin: Busy busy!
- GypsyJr427: And If I had point to one moment to sum up life with ADD, that right there is it.
And actually, I’m damn proud of it!
Some people argue that medication changes how you think, and I completely agree. It doesn’t change what you think, simply how. A great example of that is my thought process last night and this morning. I knew I had to finish a paper for Composition due this morning, but last night, I wasn’t having it. I wasn’t going to do it. I was going to turn in the five pages I had and call it good. It’s the last major essay I have and my grade is good enough. I hadn’t taken Concerta for three days since I woke up too late, and I don’t have any more Ritalin. This morning I woke up in the same mindset, but then I took Concerta.
About 15 minutes later, I had this thought in the back of my head: “hey, it’s the last major essay of the year, so why blow it?” So I finished my paper and turned it in. The feeling of accomplishment I have now is far better than the feeling of disappointment I know all too well. Just saying, sometimes people hesitate to put their kids on medication, but I would never hesitate. I wish that I had been put on it sooner. The only way I can describe having ADHD and not being medicated is torture. You know you have assignments to do, but you won’t do them. You’ll get yelled at. You’ll get zeros. You’ll be disappointed. All the while trying your best. You wonder why just going to school isn’t enough – why do they expect more from me that I don’t have?
But then you get on medication. You don’t change, not your personality. That’s still there. But your thought process changes. Instead of “well, I have homework but I’ll wait until after Grey’s Anatomy to do it” and then never getting it done, it’s “I have DVR. I’ll DVR Grey’s Anatomy and do my homework while it’s recording. I’ll get it done and I’ll be able to watch my show.” (Did I mention that DVR is important? Because DVR is important). I’ve always known that Concerta/Ritalin is good for me, but I never notice until I don’t take it for a few days. It’s not necessary when I’m not doing schoolwork or actual work, really, but it’s nice to be reminded that modern medicine has got my back.
I love the way I feel when so many things are going through my mind. I’m on a highway and I keep switching lanes. Constantly. Back and forth. It’s fun.
If you were in my ADHD rattled brain, your head would probably explode because of all the non-sense that goes through it. Can’t take a ritalin now cuz it will keep me awake all night. FUCK.
On those days
I put down the
I exsist in a
Twists at every turn
My mind wanders
Evolving quickly into
I don’t know if I love you, but I appreciate you. At least most of the time. I know I really dislike you too. It’s pretty hard. I feel special. I like driving attention to me, sometimes and you help me do it. I like talking about our stupid situations together. I hate losing stuff all the time. I hate losing my cellphone. I dont like forgetting almost everything, although it works when i forget bad feelings. I think people with YOU should have, if not a good relationship, a kind of balanced relationship between hate and love. Because if you hate it, you will be bitter all the time, and if you love it too much you won’t mind the effects you cause.
Accept it, live with it, do something about it.
So the bank is being a shit. Came back with a shit counter-offer. Shit. So we’re looking for another house now.
Last night I realized that (for me) having ADHD is like being thrust into another culture. Listening to people talk in a language you only partially understand. And you know you’re supposed to know it, but you don’t. And that’s embarrassing. It’s like some coded language that was not written for my brain. My brain just refuses to understand it. It feels like I got behind in the adult-responsibility-shit class and just couldn’t catch up.
I forgot where I was going with this.
I am becoming more and more aware of how many ADD/ADHDers are out there.
It is beautiful outside and I see a glare of the sky reflected in my laptop. People are playing basketball outside. It smells like spring.
I actually have A.D.D., I’m not one of those kids who think they have some shit, i was put on meds when i was younger.
This is how I talk when I was a kid
“Mommy, I wanna be a stormtrooper and when I go into the store, I’ll pet the cat and when I buy the pack of gum, ill go hang out with my friends”
This is how I talk now.
“When i get home, I’m going to play xbox and kill some noobs and then the moon will be circling my bathtub and I’ll be a seal.”
Nothing changed for me.
There’s an interesting discussion over at “Moms with ADHD”. The original poster mentioned how hard it is for her to make friends, because she feels so awkward in social situations. Other members replied with similar stories, and I’m thinking, “Holy crap! It’s not just me?!”
Even as a kid, I knew I was different, and the other kids seemed to pick up on it as well. It didn’t help that I had “foot-in-mouth disease” (aka poor impulse control), and would often blurt out inappropriate or sometimes just plain weird statements. Of course, as a kid in school, if you stood out for any reason, you run the risk of becoming a target for ridicule and bullying. Such was the case with me. So I eventually kept to myself, because it was better to be lonely than to be constantly picked on, or looked at like I had a horn growing out of the middle of my forehead.
Although it’s gotten better in recent years, I still keep to myself a little too much. It’s lonesome sometimes, but I’m still learning to let go of all that crap in my past. Will I ever be a social butterfly? I don’t know. I’m just trying to be the best person I can be. Hopefully the rest will come in time.
Honestly, I just don’t want to anymore. I’m sick of the anxiety of being on medication. I’m sick of the way if affects how I feel about myself. I’m not sure if I simply feel like I’m acting differently, or if I am actually acting differently. But I don’t like it. I hate it. The only possible way for me to even concentrate because of the severity of my diagnosis is the (rather high) 40mg dose of Adderall that’s been prescribed to me. The Xanax helps, but over time the combination puts me into a state of perceived social anxiety and general apathy (Xanax as a way of making you not care about anything). It’s a terrible combination, as I will stay out instead of going home to do school work, but at the same time I’m constantly doubting my actions. It makes it easier that I can vent about it on here and to friends who care enough to listen. I don’t talk openly about it as much (I know, this is a public blog…), but that is not to say I am any less affected by the negative side-affects.
It’s almost as if I am two different people. One with, one without, medication. I’m more comfortable when I’m not on it… But I can’t pay attention worth shit!! Despite the fact that my current cocktail of medication is the best of any I have tried thus far, I still feel “hampered” when I’m on it. It’s fine for a few days after taking a break from it, but after a week-two weeks I must adopt a “fake it til you make it” ideology to simply feel comfortable.
But I’m just venting here. I know I have to take it; I’m in danger of failing some classes because of my decision to not take it for the past month or so. Not because I don’t understand the material in the classes I’m taking (This is me being self-aware, I more than likely have a better grasp on what’s being taught to me than most everyone in my classes), it’s because I can’t sit down long enough to complete an assignment.
I’d like to be completely unmedicated, but that is simply not an option for me. If you were to rate the severity of ADHD on a 1-10 scale, I’d be a 9.75. Those, by the way, are my doctors words.
I have to stay on Adderall at least until the year is out, and I am very aware of that. Hopefully I can enjoy it
The medication question is prone to break my heart wherever it shows up. It’s right for some, it’s not right for others, it helps, it doesn’t, it’s needed but it’s miserable, it’s needed but they can’t get it. It tears me to bits.
I accept that you are apart of me, however I still fucking hate the potential I have that you work so hard to destroy. I’m not referring to ego I mean my intelligence and desire to learn that you hinder at every turn. I work through and around you, I’m just stating logic here that I could be something special if you were not such a distracting fuck. The irony of this is rather humorous to both of us isn’t it! Still in weaker moments it saddens me to think about the constant struggle. To do what I want to most in life which is read and you want nothing more than to hinder that need.
Thank you so much! Lots of the ADD adults I’ve known remember that Hard Period when they were kids and being normal was all they really wanted in the world. I remember mine, and just knowing other people were having the same struggles—or even better, had made it past the same struggles—would have helped a lot. And it still helps me sit up a little straighter to hear it. I hope others can get the same encouragement out of this blog!
no i wasnt hyper in class and running around and loud and obnoxious. originally the school pyschiatrist thought i was a child schizophrenic….. i was anxious all the time, i apparently saw people following me and i didn’t have many friends. so we went to mass general got my head measured and all these lovely tests. and surprisingly i was just distracted because neurons werent working right in my head. so then i got meds. and then several years later after hearing about my history with “seeing people” my pyschiatrist looked at me and said that i had an anxiety disorder that obviously was affecting my childhood.
dear adhd, i talked to my third grade teacher the other day, why the fuck did you make me look like i was fucking crazy.
I spent the rest of the class period looking up the attention span of a gnat.
Ok. This is the best way I can describe having ADHD ( Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder).
Imagine your brain is a huge casino slot machine. Each one of the wheels that spins in the window is how you brain storm when given an idea or task to complete. When you are given this task its like pulling the handle to start the machine. For any normal person the wheels start to spin and from left to right they stop on a respective symbol till the last one quits spinning. Some times your idea is a bust, sometimes its a jackpot.
For some one with ADHD the machine is a bit out of whack. You see before you ever get started the middle wheel is already spinning and stops randomly for a few seconds only to give you a glimpse of a symbol and then starts moving again on its own. When you pull the handle the first wheel starts up really slow and might never stop spinning. The third wheel may never even move.
This will only make sense to a person who is or has dealt with a loved one or friend with this disorder. Its the only way I can describe what I feel like when trying to complete a task. As I sit here writing this it has taken me almost an hour. I type very fast but I am easly distracted. I have to have the T.V. going and the window shades open so I can see whats going on in the world. To some this is a sensory over load but to me its not enough. My mind is constantly searching for stimulation.
There is only a few activities that I can sit down and do with out pause. One is playing guitar and singing at the same time. I am pretty sure that this is because my brain is trying to do more than 3 things at the same time. I am strumming with one hand, chording the guitar with the other hand and trying to remember lyrics and the next chords all while keeping a tempo.
The best way to deal with someone who has his disorder is to understand that they may not be consistent. They put simple things off because of the fact they truly have five hundred other things going through their mind. For me it is a struggle everyday to do the normal things required of me in a timely manner.
I have three daughters. I work nights. During the day I try to get a little bit of sleep and make sure that my girls are taken care of. I get them bathed, dressed, fed, and off to school. I go grocery shopping which can be a nightmare in its self. I tend to cook meals. I find it helps me to learn how to itemize and follow through with a project if you will.
I don’t know if this post helps anyone understand what the mind of a ADHD. I will leave this post open to questions. Feel free to ask. By the way I do not take any medications for my condition. I find that they have more bad side effects than good. So feel free to ask me any questions. I will try to answer them as quickly as I can.
I was browsing through youtube maybe 10 minutes ago and I was watching a video on ADD. I “suffer” from ADD if you want to say I suffer that is. Long story short, I could sympathise with everything in the video.
The point is though, I was going through the comments, through all the “lol it’s just an excuse”, “ADD Kids are just lazy” bull crap and I came across this comment.
“im 9 and i have seveir ADHD i dont like it cuz im just diffrent from the other girls at my school i havent got a good handwriting level but in storys i do cuz my dad says that when ur children with ADHD ur very imagnetive so all those people who think we are weirdos we might be to u but we are not”
I cried reading that.
I cried, because that little kid inside me, latched onto that comment and held on tight. I cried because that little child inside me found something it could relate to like someone else understood what that kid felt. All through my school days back when I was younger, I’d get picked on, laughed at, excluded and generally made to feel like a freak. All because I was different.
It can be really hard on a young kid, it can really break them apart. The way I learned to deal with it was to just not care what others thought, to make the choice to separate myself from society in my mind. To view the order of things as the human race and then myself. Two separate entities.
I’m totally oblivious to social cues when interacting with people, I speak too quickly, I talk about anything that comes into my head and there’s always a million things in there at once, I talk before I think, I do things sometimes like make random noises or fidget just because it entered my head, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember things, Manners are hard to understand…let alone follow, my emotions are strong and uncontrollable, I interrupt people without meaning to, sometimes I’ll even miss things going on in the world around me.
The thing is, ADD and ADHD doesn’t make us bad people to be around, sure it might make it challenging, but if you can see past that we’re awesome people. We’re loyal, loving, caring, bubbly, spontaneous, random, intelligent, creative and adventurous. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade my ADD for the world. I love how my mind works.
It’s amazing to one’s self. It’s like I have this infinitely large world inside my head inside which I can do anything. It’s like a holo-deck on star trek is the best way I can explain it. A giant black cube as real to me as the ground we walk on, which I can just turn into anywhere in space and time and run a scenario of events, letting the ADD compute and extrapolate on what happens inside there. The possibilities of this are endless. From fast forwarding through a series of events to see what’s going to happen to taking something apart with your mind to see how it works. Even building fantastic worlds and machines all within my own mind, able to roam them, touch them, smell them, see them, hear them and sense them as if they were real. I would never give that up, ever.
Years of the abuse from others though will destroy anyone’s confidence though so we’re easy to hurt, quick to shy away, nervous at first with someone new, we won’t stand up for ourselves (But we’ll sure as hell stand up for others, sometimes even total strangers)
I’ve lost friends thanks to ADD before and I think I lost someone’s love because of it too.
I guess whether you’re 9 or 21, with ADD, we still face our own challenges.
For the 9 year old, it’s fighting to keep up with what comes so easy to everyone else in your class, it’s being called lazy and made to feel stupid by your teachers, it’s that fear in your heart every day you go to school just knowing you’re going to do something to get in trouble and you’re going to be yelled at and nothing will stop it. Over time, you feel like you’re not good enough, self-esteem goes down the toilet and you just remove yourself from everything and everyone.
For the 18-21 year old, it’s being that weirdo that’s mocked behind your back, it’s that daily fight to try keep words like “Freak” and “Weirdo” from getting to you, it’s having to see your girlfriend or boyfriend have to defend why they chose to go out with you on a daily basis, it’s being on constant alert trying not to do something to wear them down, it’s the struggle against a system in society built for those that can do everything your brain can’t.
When I read that comment from that little innocent girl, I cried for two reasons. One it resonated with my own daily struggle, but secondly and mainly, it was because you could see in her words how much she has to defend herself from others as well as the voice inside her own head and how I remember being exactly the same all too well.
And seeing a little girl have to go through that breaks my heart.
sometimes i wish my whole family would get disorders. then i’d talk about their disorders in front of them. and discuss them with other people like they are their disorders. and i wouldn’t take anything they say seriously and attribute their anger and sadness to mood swings. and then they’d know why i cry everytime they do that. but it wouldn’t make anything better.
i hate being me. i wish i was perfect and normal. i wish someone else would have gotten ADD instead.
i just wish i was different.
people would like me if i were different.
From my favorite, Hyperbole and a Half: But this is very similar to my daily life.
A Detailed Analysis of What it’s Like Having Severe, Uncontrolled ADHD (and Probably Several Other Undiagnosed Psychological Issues) and Also Needing to Deposit Money in Your Bank Account so That You Can Afford to Purchase More ADHD Medication: A True Story
teeth tend to
chew through plastic
when they should be
eyes easily eavesdrop
on everyone else
when they should be
opening brains behind them;
and fingers find frays
when they should be
knocking keys against the desk
making something happen.
Because I’ve been tracking ADHD related tags for a while now, and I’m seeing a lot of stuff I think other “ADHD kids” should see. Not the research, or the diets, or the big stacks of facts, but the things from the other side of the table—the pain and wonderings, the humor and the discouragement. Things that would have made me feel a little less alone when I was younger, and still make me feel fortified to read.
If you have ADD or ADHD, or know somebody who does, please spread this around! I’ll reblog some fact type stuff if I find something good, but I’m going to shy away from big fat articles or blocks of text, because… well. :P
Submissions of any kind relating to ADD or ADHD are more than welcome—just a passing thought, or a funny story, or a search for encouragement, or whatever. All ages, too. No matter what age we are, we’re all “ADHD kids.” :)